Remember Remember Remember

The Oxford Dictionary describes fire as the act of being removed from your current employment. I was never really a fan of Guy Fawkes until I saw V for Vendetta. I was never really a fan of Guy Fawkes until I came to Britain. I could never really understand why people wanted to a celebrate the attempted burning down of British parliament. Then I started to learn about the likes of John Major, Margeret Thatcher and Gordon Brown and I thought, fireworks and bonfires for everyone. Now I'm not claming to be an expert on the politcs of Britain, but these people are some of the most boring people I have ever seen, and a little fire up the backside every now and again couldn't do them much harm.

But now to the point. I bought a £50 firework which was just shorter than my good self. It was your basic firework, green and blue in colour and type that makes people produce those sounds of approval that are so difficult to type. A group of us were down in Port Meadow, the largest piece of land in England untouched by artificial fertelisers. We were firing these fire works by planting them in the ground, lighting them, and running for cover. Only sometimes they were aimed at cows. But then one clever barmen decided it would be fun to light it and throw it up in the air. He immediately regretted the decision. Now when you throw a stick it tends spin in the air, as does a firework. When this firework decided to blow its top it was aimed directly back at us. Now remeber the first scene mof Lord of the Rings when everyones celebrating Bilbos birthday and the big dragon firework swoops down on the party. It wasn't like that at all. Everyone got out of the way pretty easily and unharmed, which made it all the more easier to chase the barman across the across the meadow and hurl mud at him until he was covered from head to toe.

Royale

Currently at Basel station waiting for a train to Paris. It's the coldest I've been in a long time. Decided to get a 1/4 pounder with cheese from McDonalds. Do you know what the call a 1/4 pounder with cheese in Switzerland? A 'Royale with Cheese'. Its something to do with the metric system I think.

Benito

A wise person once told me that the one good thing that Mussolini did for Italy was to get the trains to run on time. This thought I pondered as I sat in my train motionless, somewhere between Florence and Milan, as my train to Basel from Milan was pulling out of the station. Having arrived an hour late in Milan I sought out the ticket office who kindly charged me €5 for their inability as an organisation, but mainly it was for a reserved seat on the next train to Basel. Having to wait two hours for my next train was not that fun. nor was the thought of arriving in Basel in the pitch black, having no idea where my hostel is, and the forecast of snow overnight. Oh how good is this

Shetland ponies

I was sitting in my villa in Sorrento, in the south of Italy contemplating. I was thinking to myself that I really love this place and could seriously live hear for an extended period of time. However with CNN on the television something quickly change my mind. The reporter said 'this is just in from Australia, a pig the size of a shetland pony is currently keeping its female owner prisoner in her own home'. It showed the woman trying to climb out the window and the big pig standing below the window looking angry. I thought to myself, 'I cant leave that life behind for ever.'

Flock of Seagulls

A wise man named Joshua Lawson once told an astute Ed Kavaluss that a study his mates did at university on the contents of the chicken doner kebab they purchased from their local doner kebab shop. Their findings discovered that 80% of the meat in the kebab was actually seagull. Apart from feeling guilty about all those times i had given the remnants of my kebab to a seagull, this got me thinking. When i had finished thinking chose to not believe this statement and pass it off as a desperate Josh Lawson just lying to try and find himself a proper job. i.e not living off funny and clever performances on thank god you're here.

Thats all a bit off the point but needless to say i didn't believe the fact until I arrived in Prague. I ventured into a kebab store early one morning after a night out on the town, purchased a kebab and made a reference about it being mostly seagull. the man whose job it was to shave the meat turned around and gave me one of the scariest smiles i have ever seen. I munched into the kebab and realised why i got such a wierd smile.

I now believe Josh Lawson to have never once spoken anything but the truth in his life and i will never eat a kebab in eastern europe again.

the girls happy

just went down to the shop and bought a packet of biscuits and a bottle of water. i payed 33 czech krona for the biscuits and 20 for the water. the water seemed quite expensive (almost 1 euro) but i just figured i must be getting ripped off and paid the guy anyway. went back to my hostel where i was planning to eat my little treat whiy listening to the hijinks and shenanigans of tony matrin, richard marsland and edward kavalee on my ipod. turned out it was lemonade and my ipod battery was flat.

life goes on

Self Servicing

I was wondering down the street in Prague yesterday and noticed this pub called the "beer factory". Needless to say I had a look inside and noticed that all fifteen tables had four taps on them all containing the beer they called Pilsner Urquell.

So anyway I bought a train ticket and headed back to my hostel on the train. Over a pork burger I mentioned it to some fellow travellers and we decided to head down there after dinner. When we arrived a table was arranged for us, beer steins handed over and we started pouring. Three hours and 40 litres later we finsihed up and noticed that we were on top of the leaderboard, meaning a beer was discounted. Luckily this was the case as we didn't have enough Czech Krona for the original final bill.

Amsterdam

The people of Amsterdam seem somewhat stuck in time, not knowing whether to conform and move forward with the rest of Europe or to stick to its unconventianal roots. So what you get is a city of stunning contrasts populated by many a unconvential person. They all look funny and speak like Goldmember. However they do not at their own skin.
The Red Light District is very interesting as well. Women pay between €80 and 180 for a window for an eight hour shift, deoending on the time of day and location of the window. Peak hours are bewteen 11pm and 3am, so this is when you see your 'mainstream attractive' women 'working'. I also learnt that pimping is outlawed.
Contrary to popular belief, marijuana is not actually legal. The police and government just ignore the selling of it in small amounts as it is good for the economy. Other 'soft' drugs such as hash, space cakes and magic mushrooms also fall into this category, however police are beginning to clamp down on the latter. Anyway, all this talk of marijuana is making me hungry

Belgium

This girl across from me in the internet cafe is talking about how good twister night club in st kilda was.... no comment.

The Belgians seem not to know whether to act Dutch or French. So what you get is a friendly, but teribly boring person. I suppose that they dont really have that much to be excited about though. Sure their country is very beautiful but once you've seen it, theres not much going on. I was lucky enough to catch a free street concert on my last night in Brugge though. It was a pefromance by the European cat empire with a venezuelan singer who performed pop covers. They were quite good.

Spaghetti.

Oxford to London on a bus, 2hrs. London to Paris on a bus, 8 hrs. Paris to Brugge on a bus, 4hrs. Finally arriving in Brugge.... and you know how this joke ends.

I'm a firm believer in that the only way to see a city properly is to get lost in it. Needless to say I've seen Brugge properly. It is a beautiful city with lots of old buildings and entirely every street in the city centre is cobblestoned. I enjoyed a very nice 3 euro bowl of spaghetti today, was very good value. I'm planning to cycle up to the North Sea in the next few days and also a day trip to Flanders Fields is on the cards.

Weird Cats.

Living in this town I've become pretty good at picking who the wierdos are a fair distance off. The other day a knew this wierd cat was goin to ask me for either cigarettes or cash when he was at least 200 yards away. I gave him a cigarette, but do not fret, I haven't begun to smoke. Yous see, a good way of making a bit of bunse (bunsen burner, nice little earner) on the side is to but a 20 pack of benson hedges for £6 and then selling them to customers of workmates for 50p each.

Anyway, Little Britain is pretty much spot-on. Especially Vicky Pollard, violent girl gangs bashing people is rife here at the moment. League of Gentleman is pretty accurate as well. i have been chased out of six corner shops over the past month by people with slightly up-turned noses.

Wimbledon

Turns out Englands got a new Tim Henman. A player by the name of Murray who always makes it to the second week but always manages to disappoint. Apparently the Williams sisters rig all the matches aswell, but their good enough to beat everyone else to they deserve everything. And now the Fed-Express has turned inot the Fed-Daily Mail.

Iced Coffee and Quesadillas

Its been a while since my lsat post and im evan forgeting howe to spill. I've had many great adventures in the period though. From watching the Euro finals to visitng London twice, many good things have happened.

It was my birthday last week so my brother and I decided to go Wimbledon to watch a bit of tennis. Based on our experiences at the Australian Open we decided to get there at about 10:30 and but a ground pass. Needless to say this wasn't the best idea. We were told it would be a 5 hour queue to get in so we decided not to bother. To our luck though we were handed a free ground pass from this lovely lady, but the problem was it was only one. So we sold it to this Indian for £10 and headed on our merry way.

We headed then to the National Museum and Camden Market where I nearly bought this t-shirt that said Hiro is my Hero (from Heroes). If I was to need assistance Hiro or Jack Bauer would be the best people for the job. Although Jack Bauer is slightly over qualified and completely fictional.

We then stayed overnight at my cousins flat in Sheperds Bush and decided to just drink there in the vening whilst watching the Glastonbury Festival on tv. Woke up in the morning to the sound of Bryant Adams playing loudly, but goodness was thanked when i opened my eyes and Robin Hood Prince of Thieves was on the television.

Went and looked around London on the Saturday at all the sites which was fun. Had a nice birthday lunch at this all you can eat chinese restuarant just outside the Eye. The buskers along Southbank there were very interesting, some people just paint themselves and sit on a chair and expect money. Giving money to a busker is like tipping people. Why tip people for a job you can do yourself. I dont tip the pizza boy because I can go get my own pizza if I want to. I tip my doctor though because I couldn't remove my own gall stone.

Thankyou to everyone for their birthday wishes and for those who sent something expect a little something in the mail in return.

I think Marc Hunter said it best when he sung "take me wher the April sun won't treat me so right, so right", but that really has no relevance to what I'm abut to talk about. He also sung "it's been raining for so long, don't you go out in the rain". And that has more relevance. Its now been raining for two weeks straight which means more dvd's now have to be purchased, or fork out the £120 for a TV license.

I'm beginning to really dislike this lady at work, her names Cody and she's the HR rep and for some reason I just find her really irritating. I think it's because she's from corporate which means shes not really part of the Trouts family, and kind of makes her the enemy as well. On the other hand she is very smart and charming, and also a hard worker....I cant do it anymore, that was a bluff, Cody is the worst.

Raining One Day, Pouring the Next

Its been raining heavily hear for 7 days straight now. This means we've been a bit quiter at work, which has given me the chance to view our extensive dvd collection. We have Anchorman, Dodgeball, Blades of Glory, Talladega Nights and Clerks. Needless to say I'm pretty much an expert on these films now, just joking. But seriously, I am.

Went down to Devon last weekend to visit all dad's cousins. Had a great time, ate some homegrown beef and lamb, played some skittles and had some delightful british ale.

A guy came in yesterday that looked like Bellick from Prisonbreak. Pretty sure it wasn't him though.

Oxford

Went into the college today where they filmed a bit of Harry Potter, was pretty interesting. Saw the great hall and some grounds. This lady told me that the roof looks like its arched but its really flat. I was having a chat with a man in a bowler hat and he told me one of the most important sayings I have ever heard. He said to me "would an idiot do that". Now whenever i'm about to do something, i will think to myself would an idiot do that, and if they would, i will not do that thing. But thats besides the point. Had my first curry today, it was terrible, and they charged 3.95 for a pint of Kingfisher.

Been going out a fair bit in Oxford. The nightlife system is quite interesting. All the pubs stop serving at eleven and you are booted out once your drink is finished. Then everyone moves onto the clubs which are only open til 2:30, so then you make your own fun by getting a kebab of some pakistanis and hanging around in the street. When your inside a club and you need to go to the toilet there are always two men waiting buy the basin offering you aftershave, so you can "freshen up for the punani",they then inform you "no spray no lay", and "no water no daughter". (if you want more sayings bookface me me) It really opened my eyes on the ways to woo women.

The people I am working with are very nice and all have interesting stories. The South Africans are working England because they cannot get jobs back home. They are all educated and all very hard workers, but the fact that they are white means no one will employ them.
One Enlglish boy who is working also teaches ballet and theatre. He is starring in the broadway version of 'Allo 'Allo and wills soon be touring all around the UK.
One Australian who I am living with is 25, has been married, had a child and then truned into an alcholic and lost everything. He has come to England to turn his life around. The other night he got pissed and tried to strangle a cabbie.

Orlando Bloom came in the other day, he is learning to ride a motorbike. I bet his next film has something to do with riding a motorbike.

Hobbits, Lions & Cheshire Cats

Apparently the Trout Inn is really famous. And I'm not just talking about it being the watering hole of Inspector Morse. It is actually responsible for some of modern literatures greatest stories.

Tolkien, C.S Lewis and Lewis Carrol all spent many a day lounging by the Thames, drawing inspiration from the Inn and it's surroundings.

After listening to a few locals, it turns out hobbits, orcs and gandalf aren't actually from New Zealand. Amd hobbiton isn't 25 miles west of Auckland. They were all thought up by this bloke called tolkien.

Across the bridge is a private island and garden, maintained by this 80 year old curator. No public are allowed to visit but staff are, either in the morning before customers come, or after work when you've had a few and the fence gate doesn't look that high to jump.

On this island is a life size lion made out of wood, and it is from this island that Clive Staples Lewis drew his inpsiration for his Narnia chronicles. I'm still looking for the Witch and the Wardrobe.
However there is this ghost called the White Lady which is said to haunt parts of the restuarant and the waterways of Oxfordshire. It is the ghost of Rosamund Clifford, the mistress of King Henry II. She is said to have been poisoned by Henry's wife at the time through jealously. And now she just floats around scaring people.

Beyond the nunnery is fields that the Reverend Charles Lutwidge Dodgson used take a young girl called Alice to play. From this fields the Reverend created a Wonderland and penned a novel under the name Lewis Carroll. I saw a cat the other day but it wasn't big and purple.


Jeremy Clarkson came in the other day.